People think that if you’re a girl, you’re going to be a pushover and they can get away with more; they can kind of pull the wool over your eyes. You’re not going to be as strong as a man at getting what you want, demanding what you asked for. But I just surprise them. I see that they’re wrong. On the other hand, the advantages [of being a woman] are the charms, you know, that people always fall for.
Excerpt from an interview worth watching because holy cow she is so young, Madonna at age 26, (from full interview)
Women and their sex appeal is a tough subject. It’s something we’re not allowed to talk about in a business context, yet it’s on every TV and in every magazine.
In film, the effect that women have on men is a visual cliché: a woman sidles into the room and all eyes are on her. The man / men are tongue-tied. Without much apparent effort, she can get whatever she wants, from a free drink to expensive jewelry. Or, in Lauren Bacall’s case, a match.
Some would argue that female desirability not really power—it’s women being objectified. At best it’s a transient power: she’s got something the man wants and, either he gets it or there is trouble. It’s transient in the larger sense as well—the spell only works as long as she is young.
On the other end of the spectrum, you have Camille Paglia arguing that women should take advantage of their sexuality. Women are wrong if they think they can succeed by pretending to be men. Instead, they should use their god-given gifts to manipulate men. We’ve already noted that men have subtle advantages in the workplace (see Glass Ceiling). Shouldn’t we women be able to use one of our built-in advantages?
The answer is: I don’t know. Or maybe, it depends.
How’s that for a view? (I don’t think Lauren Bacall approves.)
This blog was supposed to be about another female style: Femme Fatale, just like previous blog entries on Masculine, Matriarch and Girl Next Door. But when I went to write it, it turned out to be elusive. Your classic Femme Fatale works magic in the movies, but in business she risks being deemed inappropriate. Could Eva Gabor still control men today as she demonstrates in this charming and disturbing 1950’s video clip ?
Samantha from Sex and the City is an updated prototype of the Femme Fatale, using an in-your-face sexual style. However, I’m fairly sure she would be quickly fired from my office. This article does touch on what Samantha can teach us about business, but doesn’t address the sex issue except to advise not with clients and not in the office.
The whole purpose of this exploration of archetypes was to find models for presenting one’s self in the business world. I think that, rather than using the Femme Fatale as a model, we should look at what she has to teach us.
1. If you’re attractive, sometimes you can get stuff.
Maybe this used to mean diamonds, but nowadays it can translate into business accomplishments. You may be able to get a more willing ear to listen to a good idea. You may be able to use your charm to bring together feuding parties to compromise. You may make an executive laugh, so that he thinks of you when that new job is created.
Note that attractiveness is often as much in how someone carries herself as it pure genetics. (Even Eva Gabor said so.) I know women who are not classically beautiful or who are of a certain age who can still charm their way through a room. I also know women who are young and attractive without an ounce of self-possession. I think attraction is at least as much person-dependent as it is age-dependent.
Be aware of the effect you may already have on men.
2. A little flirting can make people feel good about themselves.
Flirting requires a base level of self-assurance and a genuine interest in the people around you. It’s not about diminishing yourself, but about building up the ego and self-confidence of others, and doing so in a way that is subtle.
My friend, Nicole, is naturally curious about people and loves to flirt. She can make deep connections with people in a short amount of time. She tells a stranger something personal and disarming, like she’s known him for years. She asks him if he likes her new shirt, and tells him a charming story about it. She might touch his arm conspiratorially as she asks him meaningful questions. Nicole is a fund raiser and she is very successful.
Nicole telegraphs affection. Her communication style does not put space between her and the people she talks to; on the contrary, it eliminates it. It builds up the ego of whomever she’s with, conveying a message of “I like you, you’re like me, and we’re both really cool!”
3. Know your limits.
I have another friend, Molly, who works for a hard-ass. Molly’s boss is someone who always has to be right and is somewhat of a bully. Now that I think of it, he’s actually just a plain old ordinary ass. She despaired about being able to function in her role. She watched as he shot down idea after idea that her coworkers presented. But then she found the key.
“Oh, George, I really need your advice. You know that everyone thinks this technology is outdated but I just don’t know what to do about it.”
My friend knew exactly what to do about the outdated technology. But she led George down the road of coming to the same decision and letting him think it was his idea. It’s the female twist on the Socratic method.
“Oh, George, you are so smart!”
I think Molly feels a little icky about this approach. However, Nicole tells me she’s done the same thing and feels fine about it– Socratic method by any other name is still achieving objectives. What feels right depends on the person and the context.
4. Know your risks.
Unwanted personal advances, rumors that you’ve slept your way up, lack of respect by people who peg you as a bimbo, coworkers falling in love with you, being accused of sexual harassment…
However, these things can happen to any woman, regardless of any intention on her part. It is why, at a minimum, it pays to be aware of the sexual dynamic around you.
5. Business is not Hollywood.
Unless, of course, you work in show business, in which case you should probably be calling your agent rather than reading silly blogs.
With Hollywood, sexy women often have an otherworldly quality. Women like Greta Garbo are powerful in part because they are mysterious. Men don’t understand them but are fascinated by them. There is a distance, often a haughtiness, that the beautiful woman affects. And the movie men don’t mind, quite possibly because these women really are more akin to objects than other humans. They are prized simply for their elegance and beauty.
In contrast, in business I think that the women who are successful at using their womanly powers employ their charisma instead of their cleavage. Haughtiness and lack of clarity may be attractive in a starlet but they are not the least bit charming in a coworker.
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I have to admit, I feel uncomfortable with this topic. After decades of fighting for equal treatment, discussing female sex appeal in the workplace seems blasphemous. But the Femme Fatale is such an important archetype of power that I couldn’t ignore her. While I would never advocate emulating the Femme Fatale, people with charisma / sex appeal do have advantages, in any walk of life. It is figuring out how to make it work for you, rather than against you, that is the tricky part.
People With Glass Ceilings 